What’s REALLY Important…….Family Values?

Alright folks, I know this is a pretty loaded topic for many….but today I want to talk about family values and why they matter. See, I’m a first generation Dominican, my parents emigrated to the states way back in the 70’s to make a better life for themselves and their respective families, in the hopes of better opportunities. What they found is a country where the notion of family is rarely valued or cherished and the only thing that is valued is hard work! Lot’s of it, and if you ARE educated and you work 12-14 hours a day you ARE guaranteed to BE somebody (by American standards any way). Oh! and screw that your kids ARE raising themselves, because the idea is that if you’re not savvy or paid enough to hire a nanny, Oh well, sucks to be you and such is life!

Now, I’m not rebuking the American dream of apple pie at all, just simply noting how much families are asked to sacrifice their very set of ideals and expectations on the strength of achieving the American dream. Wondering if it all makes sense you know…..so let’s do a comparison…..back home meaning the Dominican Republic; if a parent wants to study and advance in profession then there is always a good abuela/abuelo or “mama and papa” who clearly understands that their job is to hold down the fort so the family can prosper. Here in the states, grandma and grandpa (if there is one) usually have three jobs just to make ends meet. Back home, folks take a break mid-day to have lunch at home, one could only dream of doing such a thing here! Most families are lucky if everyone’s home at the same time and lord knows, most people simply sit down to watch a meal by the tv with no form of family interaction, unless a parent is ready to admonish or criticize their kids for something else they haven’t done right. Anybody see anything wrong with this picture?

Now, in the land of milk and honey, which is what this country proclaims itself to be, one mst oftentimes wonder…..what gets lost in the process of seeking success here? I mean for Christ sakes, does anyone wonder why American teenagers are that much more succeptible to do drugs and perform at a mediocre pace acamically and socially? It oftentimes amazes me to see how suburban parents gloat over what school they’ve enrolled their children in or what new accomplishment their child has conjured up next…..it’s almost as if they need that to validate the long hours they work to sustain a fictitious lifestyle where their kids are being raised by total strangers most of the time. So I reiterate the question……Where are the family values that were so deeply and richly woven into the fabric of family?

Why is it that all of a sudden financial and social gain has become more important to the individual than the idea of legacy and culture? Or is it simply that I’m being a sinic? Don’t know, but the more I begin to analyze it, I don’t know of one single person who is not slightly resentful of that time that they’ve lost with their parents. I know for the average working family, so much time is lost seeking personal gain…makes me wonder if it’s at all worth it? But as most people know, it is easier to feel good about the material possessions one has than to explore deeper and clearly retract what has been lost over such a long peiod of time. But lets not forget that were all creatures of habit and nature now…so ideally suck it up and deal with it! It’s AMERICA!

Imagine if there were actually such a thing as compromise, where couples were not so emotionally attached to wealth and this idea of prosperity that they could actually come home to each other and their families and be happy that this is the case, rather than running out to the next networking event.....I cant help but think that family time is what nourishes my soul and you know guys, whats good for the SOUL is SMART! Just think about it, is the ratrace really worth it?

Sending you Hugs and Love,

Niurka

Think BIG(er)…..a lesson on ambiguity

So, I went to see the movie BIG this weekend and lord knows it left a heck of an impression on me. If you don’t know the movie I’m referencing, then you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog today because trust me, you’d have to be a “Biggie” fan to even begin to understand the content I’m about to put forth…….so for all my people who genuinely loved BIG, this column’s for you today. Now for starters, loved the movie! For sure! I though it was a very insightful portrayal of a young man who rose to superstardom against all odds and did not even have an opportunity to enjoy it. Hence, I urge you to indulge with me for a bit while I discuss the highlights of the film that kept me thinking all weekend……Now, I’m sure many of us who followed this rapper may have had a completely different perception of who this young man was before the movie. What strikes me the most is the intensity of all that he had to deal with, particularly around women.

Big-Ups to Lil’Kim because as often as she’s been portrayed as this harlot, sex-crazed fiend, in the movie a very different side of her is portrayed…..she’s presented as this really nice
girl turned bad by her “manager” because sex sells…..hmmmmm…I wonder how much of that story is truth or fiction. See many of us actually liked Kim because we always understood her to be a “take no shit” kind of girl who was about making money 24/7. The downside though is that she always portrays herself as somewhat crazy and a hell of a lot promiscuous.….. I mean, is it just me or does anyone feel like it was a little confusing to see her portrayed as a victim or so damn innocent….wonder how much she had to do with the actual production of this flick because I’VE HEARD SOME PRETTY INTENSE “STORIES” ABOUT HER (lol). But for real, if this is the real KIM, then, thank you Voletta for letting us see that!

Now Faith on the other hand, was something to ponder on, I’m sitting in the movie theatre in awe because I didn’t realize that first off, her and BIG had only been married for about 3 months when she recorded “I remember”. I mean, lord knows, I’m sitting there like O.k., from the sound of that song, the average woman would’ve assumed she was talking about someone she had been with for years! I was laughing like , FAY, you’ve known this dude for a split second and you’re writing songs like he owed you an eternity, FOR WHAT! But on another note, if her love for BIG was as true as she made it out to be in the many interviews I’ve read about them (from her viewpoint, of course) then I guess there’s something to be said for “true love”. BUT, from what I understand….she divulges the fact that she did cheat on him during their short marriage with an NBA player in her recent book and that to me only confirms my disbelief in her “so called” love for him.

A wise woman knows that the kind of love that FAITH sung about is one that endures and withstands all, strengthening a relationship over time through love, compassion and endurance which eventually evolves into something meaningful and long-lasting. Her music reflects this understanding which is why I related to her back then and genuinely liked her music. The upshot to this though is that if she was jumping hoops because her man hadn’touched her in a while……I fear to say she’s got some issues (lol)!

I guess the most real part comes out with the depiction of his baby’s mother, who loved him from the start, for who he was, not what he became, albeit, she is the rpitome of "baby mama". Sucks that she continually got the shoddy shoulder for two really physically beautiful AND HYPER-SUCCESSFUL women. Awkward right? But I guess it really begs the question: What is it that attracts the average man? See, if a brother is just an average Joe, a sister has to be like some superstar in some kind of way to merit a consideration for marriage, at least in the black community. I could be totally wrong, but from what I see, black men will have a great time with a regular around the way “shortie” as they like to call them, but will seriously hesitate to take a solid sister seriously because she’s not excessively beautiful or successful, it’s all kind of fickle if you ask me. But then again, this is the world we live in, where black people put on airs all day long and pretend that the black bourgeoisie actually exists when in reality it’s all a farce. Why cant folks just simply be comfortable around each other and be ok with the fact that , GOD has made us all perfect being exactly who we are. (Yeah,right!)

I thought this excerpt was going to be about BIG but the reality is there’s not much I can say about the man that we don’t already know. He was fabulous in his own way and modeled for young people the idea that you can make it in music despite all the odds…I wonder though, would his life had been different if he would’ve just stuck with the one woman who did actually keep it real with him, rather than going for the glitter and sex appeal… I’m talking about Jane, who clearly looks like she held down the fort but was never rightly acknowledged, or am I simply going to deep with this?.... a good friend of mine says I have a tendency to do that (lol). It would seem to me that a brother would want to get with a sister who demonstrates true love and can still hold her own, I mean hey, jANE DIDNT EXACTLY HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER SO I CANT REALLY USE HER AS AN EXAMPLE, it’s not her fault she was never taught to demand things the same way the bourgeoisie woman knows how to do so well……like they say, every good man has a good woman behind him….just look at Barak!Maybe BIG should've exed all these girls altogether and found him a nice corporate chick (lol).

Hands down, I did shed a tear for my DUDE because at the end of the day…..were always going to love BIG POPPA, just wish he would’ve picked smart with his heart …..maybe it would’ve unburdened his soul you know…… Lord knows, the ambiguity and ambivalence that he underwent, damn near killed him! We all know that it’s better to go that route than to play yourself to please others…….because in the end you got to do what’s right for your soul you know! And as I always say…….what’s good for the Soul is Smart people, you know I had to throw that in there, (smile)!

Sending you Hugs and Love,
Niurka

YES WE CAN!....the 43rd Inauguration and what it implies for all

Watching the inauguration has got to be the single, most proud moment of my life! I saw our president –elect get sworn in today and I must say it was definitely a relief to say the least. I was standing in a crowd of anxious Massachusetts politicians, watching the Inauguration…I brought my gorgeous clan along for the proud moment because I wanted to share it with them….as unfortunate as it seems, the only thing I kept thinking about was “Lord please don’t let him get shot!” I know this sounds insane but at a time when people need the most hope I’m glad to know that finally history has allowed an honorable black man to take a stand against all that plagues us as a society and truly receive the title of an office that will ultimately enable him to make change at a global scale. My little boy Robert, who is only 7 seven years old, asked me after the ceremony, “Wow mom! Is Barak Obama really our president? With pride in my eyes I gratefully thanked the lord that I could actually say “yes son, he is!”

See, the media has continuously plagued the general public with images of great leaders being shot down and I’m both proud and relieved that this time history has been allowed to take its course. I don’t think I need to remind you of the countless leaders who’ve attempted to take on these high profile positions , only to be murdered aimlessly (Bobbie Kennedy, Malcolm X, MLK and JFK, to name a few)which in turn, has only served the purpose of inculcating unbeknownst fears amongst many to dare follow suit.

This is a proud moment in history for humanity and I say this with my heart swelling with tenderness and joy knowing that once again my children can think about aspiring to something greater in the political/activist realm without the fear that their lives will be taken away. I speak as a proud mom of three amazing children whom may one day actually have the opportunity to seriously consider a career in public service without the threat that their lives will be taken for reaching up to something greater. YES WE CAN and YES WE DID; those are the phrases that I saw most on the national sphere of things and as Michelle Obama was utterly rebuked for saying…..I’m actually proud to be American today. I could be wrong but I don’t think there is one single “minority “who does not feel the same way. For too long we’ve had the notion that we can’t speak out against injustice and/or use our collective intelligence to contribute towards solving the ills that plague us as a country. This has been a notion completely unembraced and disregarded by many for the sake of a genuine fear that they might have to sacrifice their very existence and lord knows, nobody wants to have their life “taken”.

Now, I could be totally wrong about this and perhaps you may think that my take on this is a bit extreme, but at the end of the day….I’ve listened to my children(including the many students I’ve taught over the years ) say things like, “you cant say that or you’ll be shot” or “No, people who care cant run for public office because if they speak out they’ll be shot”. I feel like Obama being sworn in will ultimately show the children of this globe that GOD does prevail, that GOOD does ultimately prevail. He is a proud example of all that can be accomplished when one applies themselves with purpose and today I send a prayer and a hope for blessings to be showered upon all those that have illuminated Barak and Michelle’s path along the way (know this is a team effort, it’s not just him doing all this work). There are certain things that must be revered and remembered, the 43rd Inauguration is one of them.

You know, when we got home, my daughter Bobbie keenly remarked “ I feel like today should be a national holiday” I agree with her. I believe people should be allowed to remember what is possible. Like Barak said…..60 years ago, his father may not have been able to eat in a restaurant of his choice but despite that he persevered by educating himself and passing on the value of that education to his son who has now taken the torch and risen up to be the head of state of one of the most powerful nations in the world! Thank You for persevering President Obama, the world can’t wait to see all that you will do! It’s evident that this man has spoken out and WORKED HARD TO SECURE a position to make change because it’s the right thing to do and lord knows that’s good for the soul……and as we all know folks, What’s Good for the SOUL is SMART!

Sending you Hugs and Love,

Niurka

Self Deprivation.....let's explore it for a sec!

O.K. So last night I had the pleasure of engaging in a some "insightful" conversation with my two teenagers.....context: I have three children, two of whom are teenagers. they consider themselves to be my junior therapists as I had them very young and have raised them to have alot of input in my day to day life (which is not pretty normal for most parents, but I'm not your average anything, so this should not come as a surprise) See there I go again, being arrogant, I may need to re-read my humility blog, but anywho......My little consultants were teasing me last night because I've been on a fast for the last 13 days. I made a promise at my church that I would fast in solidarity with the other members in the hopes that my faith would be strengthened and my life's purpose might become a little more clear to me. I also have had this overwhelming feeling to get closer to the big guy upstairs and so why not starve myself a little to get there?

Sound a little quirky? Well, basically my kids think that all churches are cults and they see this fasting thing as just another way churches show their power (I made the drastic mistake of telling them that this is a nationwide thing (lol); apparently alot of churches are doing this 21 day fast, not just us). At any rate, my daughter asked me why I was doing it and I told her that I felt like I needed discipline......she retorted, "wow mom, of all the people who need discipline, don't think it's you.....I mean personally I think the only people who need to fast are the sinners, they're the only people who feel like they need to cleanse, what a cop out!" I looked at her in complete shock, but then I realized, gee, this girl just had an epiphany, I mean really, the main reason why churches have so much power over people is because they have a genuine way of making you feel guilty about being a normal human person who makes mistakes, most folks who go to these places of worship rarely do so because they genuinely love god, more so they do it to feel validated, political,social connections and/or cleansing as my daughter so keenly put.

What she said, particularly about the "sinner" factor, really made me think. See I consistently go without alot for the sake of giving someone else happiness or joy,I also watch many of my friends do the same. I could be totally wrong, but in my view, what it boils down to is this idea of validation, it seems that most people who aim to please get a genuine sense of satisfaction from others, but then there are those great many whom simply do the right thing because they are seeking for someone whom will pat them on the back for what they've done. I cant help but think that it's something that should be explored a little further. See most successful people frequently do for themselves and only them.....they rarely do for others because they truly understand the power of rewarding themselves, albeit at an extreme sometimes, but they reward themselves for everything, even the little things.

Today I'm realizing that self denial is a thing that most people do because their whole lives they go through it having to please someone. I wonder how much of this we learn in our childhood interactions? See many of us are raised by parents who expect us to do well all the time and chastise us heavily for not measuring up. I know this is starting to sound like a pity party but it's really not....I just want you to really think about it, if you're the type of person who pleases others all the time and deny yourself simple pleasures, think about why you do that. Most times, when people dont reach the expectations that others have set for them and feel like they don't measure up they overcompensate by being extremely "good". Now, you may not fall into this category, but if you do, I urge you to explore it because there's something to be said for that.......take a little time today and reflect, have you been good to yourself today, this week or this year? if not, take a moment to plan something or indulge in a rare treat that you might not other wise, it's good for the soul man! Like NIKE, just do it! because it's a SoulSmart thing to do and never forget, What's good for the Soul is Smart!

Sending you many hugs and love,

Niurka

Hey! That’s MY spot, not yours! An observation on humility or lack thereof

O.K. so I thought that I was a pretty humble person filled with humility until a few hours ago when I had very rude awakening (lol). To make a long story short, the owner above my unit has decided to rent his place to what I deem to be a really nice couple, I haven’t even formally met them yet but last night I certainly made a rude introduction, to say the least. I own a condo in a pseudo-prestigious area of Dorchester called Adams Village. Now, I take a great deal of pride in the fact that I am a 31 year old homeowner AND many of my friends have no children and still are unable to even think of purchasing their own homes….see there I go again, being arrogant:-) but the reality is that I pride myself in this fact. Like many will say, I worked damn hard to get what I have and the end of the day, I guess it really peeves me for anyone to do so much as think that they can question me regarding anything concerning my small piece of property.

A friend was visiting me last night and customarily, when anyone comes to visit, they have the luxury of parking in a parking spot that I proudly OWN. Apparently the new neighbors were under the impression that my parking spot was theirs so as my friend was heading out, they made a smart remark to him, implying that he should not park there. I quickly rushed upstairs to “clarify” the situation. Without introducing myself, I questioned my new neighbors regarding their claim. I told the young man that he was mistaken and that I am an owner, therefore I did not have to communicate anything to him directly, rather, I’d speak with his landlord directly to clarify the discrepancy. When he told me that the spot had no number on it and that this was the source of his confusion, I looked at him as though he had three heads and commenced to re-explain how the parking spots had been reassigned and that he was grossly mistaken.

To put it bluntly, I was not very nice and my tone was pretty darn arrogant. Quite frankly, had I been this man….I would not have wanted to carry on a conversation in the way I was addressing him. Come to think of it, he said something to the effect of, we’ll have to call the landlord and clear this up and I followed up by saying….”I believe I just made it clear for you”. Now, let’s examine this for a second….I don’t even know these people and they are new to the building, how would they know which spot is theirs. Especially if their landlord mistakenly gave them misinformation. Rather than taking these matters into consideration, I let my arrogance and pride get the best of me and the only point I wanted to make to this man was that I was right and he was wrong. I guess I now feel a genuine disdain for my new neighbors and I don’t even know them yet! I wonder, what made me react so rudely towards these people? Is it the fact that I know I pay a certain percentage of my mortgage towards the maintenance of this parking spot, and therefore feel entitled to treat others rudely if they dare challenge or question my position? It’s definitely worth thinking about.

A few minutes after I ended the conversation with my new neighbors… I went outside to check my spot….I wanted to make sure that there was clarity as to whose spot it was, simply to reassure myself that I was right and my neighbor is wrong, I realized that at some point the number sticker , which is assigned to each spot had been removed ; clearly had I asked a few more questions rather than abruptly addressing him to correct the issue, I would have been able to communicate that this was a simple matter which could quickly be clarified by having the condo association re-label my spot so that there is no confusion. In hindsight, I guess I feel a little bad about the way I spoke to the young man in particular, but the reality is that when I first addressed him, he was not very nice; that simply made me want to reinforce my authority over my space.

I wonder what makes us react in that way? Was I wrong in exerting my authority over my little piece of property? I wonder if I he’d been a bit more humble would my approach have been different? Clearly, there’s a lot more that can be gotten with honey rather than salt। It’s not like I even feel good about having been so blunt and direct, rather I feel a little shallow because I know I can do better. Realistically though, how would you feel if someone were trying to use something of yours without your permission? The bottom line is that had he exercised a little humility from the onset and asked, rather than assuming that the spot was his, I probably would not have responded in the manner in which I did. I know have a good mind to call his landlord and clarify this mess, I even thought that maybe his landlord purposefully removed my sticker posting with the number to my spot in order to market his place a little better…॥an idea that is quite preposterous once you come to think of it….but I feel so strongly about being challenged that I would not put it past him. I ask the question, was my reaction wrong or am I right in having been cold and direct about the fact that he could not park in my space? ……Or is it simply human nature to go for the jugular, so to speak, when something you value is threatened?

In the end I wound up writting my neighbor a short note apologizing for my behavior and letting him know I will follow up in the morning.....I did this because I know it's the right thing to do and lord knows it's not good to hold grudges against people you dont even now for goodness sake! But boy did it feel goood to exert my little bit of authority, even if for a second(lol)......
let me know what you think........ and remember "What's good for the Soul is Smart! let's see what little piece of humility you can exercise today:-)


Sending you Hugs and Love,

Niurka